I have been thinking... it gets annoying inside my head, now you've been warned, you are free to leave. No? Gee, thanks, you deserve a cute cat, enjoy your stay.
|With 2014 I had to say goodbye to this little guy who for the short |
while he spent with us, meant everything to me.
Surely I'm not the only one struggling inside to be two things, three types of people, four kinds of better. It is a price you and I must pay for our self-awareness. There are parts of me that tell me not to be me, little demons that chide and poke fun and analyze and criticize. For ten years, if someone had asked me if I liked being myself, I'd have said no. It's a good thing no one actually asks you such questions. It would have been a default answer, it would also not have been entirely true.
I like being myself. I know there are ways I could be better. But I actually like being the introverted, kind of weird, somewhat scaredy, cat-magnet, book-nerd-sy, happy know-it-all (-who-actually-knows-not-so-much-about-so-many-things) however hard it may be to believe this. I know the voices telling me I can't do without change are demons. I'm not averse to change, but the part of me that's not a demon wants me to change or grow on my terms. If only that part were left alone long enough to put thoughts to action...
I rarely make resolutions, and even when I do, I generally prefer not to declare them to my small world, because then I'm answerable to people. And that's too much for my lazy self to handle. What I like even less than making to-do lists is making non-concrete promises that are oh so difficult to bring to realization. Like saying, "I'll change!" Whatever does that mean? New's Year Day had me in a bad, bad mood. It only got worse when I read Neil Gaiman's blog entry on new year's wishes. Make glorious mistakes? Dream dangerously? Walk into the darkness without fear? That's all awfully trite, if you ask me. And certainly not doable. I'm sorry, but resolutions just do not have the luxury of being so indefinite.
I want to list definite resolutions for this glorious year ahead that are not vague and essentially realizable. But this blog has been getting dangerously close to entering the whiny overly-personal territory that I've been expressly trying to keep it away from. I want a blog where I'm me under the Disillusionment charm: sort of camouflaged into the background, so that only my opinions remain, and my voice to express them, and all you know about me is what you glean from the two. It's going only OK so far. Anyway, returning to the point, here's my attempt at a list of very achievable goals that do make me answerable to me or any reader left here by the next year-end, but without any details. I know what each thing on the list is and the list would be considerably more concise if I just named it, but this is oddly more comforting. If and when I do complete any of these things, I'll blog about them with juicy details for likely no one but me to read and revel in.
- Consciously develop a liking for and an understanding of something you're convinced you don't understand or won't like.
- Pick a skill or ability that you would consider principally useless and master it.
- Fix one mistake you've made in the past even if it means making a difficult decision, apologizing to someone, overcoming a fear or losing something or someone you'd rather not part with.
- Adopt what you think is a boring habit that by definition will only help you in the long run.
- Give something up that's insignificant; prove that you can do without it.
I have all year to make these happen and to expand the list if I do follow through on all of them before the end of 2015. Here's to concrete change. Happy New Year!